Wow. Life's been pretty crazy lately... and as a result, I have a lot of stuff running through my mind. To be completely honest, I don't even want to give myself time to think about it all because I know I'll get overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, disappointed, confused, [insert tough emotion here], etc. I have been feeling very heavy... burdened... like I am in the desert.
Therefore, I've been CONSTANTLY listening to The Desert Song by Hillsong (and I did just see Hillsong United perform this live 3 weeks ago - that was phenomenal).
This is my prayer in the desert
And all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger in me
My God is a God who provides
And this is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved
Of more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through the flames
And I will bring praise
I will bring praise
No weapon forged against me shall remain
I will rejoice
I will declare
God is my victory and He is here
And this is my prayer in the battle
And triumph is still on it's way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand
All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship
This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received I will sow
Now, maybe I'm the only one, but my first inclination when I'm in the desert, when I don't hear the Lord speaking as clearly as I'd like him to or when I am in the battle and triumph is "still on the way" (aka NOT here yet) is NOT to bring praise. That's the harsh dichotomy that I am living in right now, though. I know I should be praising simply because God is still the God who provides and therefore I do have a reason to worship. But sometimes what my head knows and what my heart feels are two totally different things that don't seem to add up. I know that the Lord is here in the midst of one of the stormiest times of life to date. But it is hard not to be swept away by all the waves that life is sending my way. It is hard to remember that he's still there when all I see in front of and behind me is hard and dry and void of what the world defines as joy.
And so, my focus this past week has been to thank God for all the crap. To PRAISE him for the situations that leave me scratching my head not knowing how to respond and feeling like I don't hear the Lord guiding me one way or the other right now. To PRAISE him for the harsh fires my sister is walking through that continually get worse. To PRAISE him for the life decisions that I'm facing with no direction to date. To PRAISE him for suffering. To PRAISE him for heaviness. Ultimately, the only reason I will be able to praise him through all of this is if I keep in perspective what the Lord tells me in Isaiah 55:8-9 (the Message):
"I don't think the way you think.
The way you work isn't the way I work."
"For as the sky soars high above earth,
so the way I work surpasses the way you work,
and the way I think is beyond the way you think.
God knows what he's doing.
God also keeps impressing on me this idea of a chess game. I suck at chess, so when I play, I am only thinking of the one move I am about to make. But, for really great chess players, they know and anticipate the the next multiple moves that they will make, and at times, may even be able to see how they can have me in checkmate LONG before we make it to that place. That's kinda how I see me and God right now. I'm sitting here playing this game called life only seeing one move at a time and having no idea of the end result. He's gently asking me over and over if I will just trust him to play for me and trust that he knows not just the next move, but the next 50 moves, the next 100 moves, etc... And he's got Satan in checkmate already.
God's pretty great at this thing called my life...and I'm not so great at it, so why do I not trust him to make my moves for me??
I think one thing I will be able to most consistently blog about is music and how it speaks to my soul. I am sitting here at work, in a very quiet office (lots of people are out!), so I have my iPod on, trying to drown out the silence (sounds crazy, I know), so I can actually accomplish some work. And for the record, Google Earth is working for me right now, creating some videos, but it makes my computer slow and I can't do much else while it works.
If you have never listened to Brooke Fraser, you should. She has solo albums, but also sings with Hillsong United at times. Her song writing is phenomenal. She's real in what she writes about and you can sense the emotion in her lyrics. Besides all of that, she has a great voice. Here's a taste of some of her lyrics. This is from a song off of her Albertine album entitled the C.S. Lewis song, so you already know it is going to be deep...and she does not disappoint.
"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared
Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me
Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cause my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
And avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become
For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming"
