If someone were to ask me that question today, I would probably say "Good, how are you?" The pat response that I hate and yet take part in almost everyday.
Because, what I'd really want to say is that I'm tired. I'm frustrated and disappointed in myself. I'm emotional. I'm tired of having to make decisions that I don't want to make. I'm tired of life not making sense. And I want God to reveal his plan to me. Now. Why can't everything just be easy?
But, what I'd also like to say is that I'm thankful for friends that keep me grounded when I have minor meltdowns. I'm glad that when I am going through times of beating myself up and feeling rather crappy about life, I have friends who aren't in that place. Because, let's be honest, if we all felt like crap at the same time, we would never have anyone to lift us up and encourage us in a way to break free from the depression that can try to set in.
And so, how am I doing? I'm OK. I'm learning to trust God and I'm trying really hard to allow the Holy Spirit to invade every part of my life - even those parts that I've been trying to handle on my own and have subsequently become frustrated and felt lost. I'm learning to live with a "victorious limp" (to quote Brennan Manning in the Ragamuffin Gospel).
I love it when I see a prayers answered. Prayers you (and others) have been really devoting yourselves to for an extended amount of time and then God answers and it is so clear that he has been working all along. You definitely go through the emotions of getting frustrated along the way, wondering about the Lord's timing when he doesn't necessarily answer when you want, but the end result is extended patience and a deeper faith in the Lord and trust in his plan. If only we had that perspective all the time - even while living through the seeming "unanswered" prayers.
I like dinner parties. More specifically, I like hosting dinner parties, because I love to cook. And when I host a dinner party, as most of my friends would attest to, I usually do most of the work myself, even if others offer help. It isn't because I don't want help or think you incapable. It's because I like to do it. I also like birthdays - mine and other people's - I'm not picky. Last Thursday night, I had about 8 girl friends over for a dinner party to celebrate Jaclyn's birthday. She is such a special lady and I really wanted to make a big deal of her birthday because I knew she wasn't going to. Plus, I always jump at the chance to cook dinner for people!
The point is this: I love using my gifts, talents and passions to serve other people. It makes me happy; it fills me up. I guess that's how God created it. And yet at the same time, I feel like some people use their gifts and feel drained afterwards (and I can feel this way sometimes, too). I wonder which is more common: feeling full or drained after using your spiritual gifts?
On another note, I feel pulled in a lot of directions in friendship lately. There are so many people I genuinely want to spend time with, and yet it is so hard to schedule time to see all of them. I am a quality time person, so just seeing someone is not enough. I want to really spend time with them - to know them deeply. It is especially hard because not only am I just plain busy, but, many of the people I would love to spend time with are from completely different areas of my life (old friends, FBC/O friends, Status friends and my HC family, work people, roommates, random friends, etc.). It isn't even like I can combine hang out times when people are not in the same groups of friends at all... Ugh, if only I had more time in my week. I'm sorry if you feel like I haven't been spending enough time with you lately. I want to. I just don't know how.
All of the sudden, I'm finding multiple worthy blog topics...after a few weeks of nothing.
Recently, I have expanded my music library by quite a bit. In my "Recently Added" playlist on the iPod:
- Five Times August - Brighter Side
- Augustana - Can't Love, Can't Hurt
- OneRepublic - Dreaming Out Loud
- Gavin DeGraw - Gavin DeGraw
- Death Cab - Narrow Stairs
- Jason Mraz - We Sing, We Dance, We Steal
- Warren Barfield - Worth Fighting For
